Saturday, 15 March 2014

My True Story " Bullying & Depression "

      Hello Ladies.. I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend so far. Today's blog post is a little different. So many people today go through bullying which is a big issue in today societyPhysical, Verbal , Relational Aggression , Cyber , Sexual and Prejudicial? There are wrong!!! I have been debating if I should upload my true story for awhile now. But today I decided to do! I was 16 turning 17 when these events happened.. I am 20 now.. I am stronger than ever and I am the happiest I have been in a long time. And if anyone is reading this who is experiencing bulling  in there life right now, do NOT be afraid to speak up. Everything is going to be okay.. you do not need to fear the them.

( I Changed The People's Name In My Story For Personal Reasons)

That day…..I remember it so clearly, as if it was only yesterday…. the 9th of March 2011 that is. I was stood in the kitchen pouring myself a drink of water into a glass. My phone which was in my pocket started to ring , so I put my glass of water down on the kitchen surface, so I could answer my phone.

     I looked at my phone and it was an unknown number….I NEVER answer the phone to anyone unless I know who it is. Why that day I decided to answer the phone to the unknown number I will never no.
   I answered my phone with a nervous “hello” curious to know who was on the other end. I could hear voices girls and boys started to shout “ ewww!!! You ugly fat slag, go and die, you need a face transplant you bitch, die bitch die!” I gasped; I put my hand to my head falling to the floor tears. My chest started to ache. It felt as though a 1000 daggers had been stabbed into my heart. I was distraught. Devastated that a human being could say those things to another human being .All I could think of, was that I should be dead; I didn’t deserve to be here, they were right I should go and die. After 10 minutes of abuse of been called every name under the sun. I heard a familiar laugh …..
  HER….Mia-Jane  a girl that bullied me for so long, a girl that made me feel worthless .she made my life a living hell. Making someone’s life hell was her motto. I said her name “Mia-Jane?” she answered back with a sarcastic “yes”.  I begged her to leave me alone and let me live in peace. I couldn’t handle any more abuse from her and her little workers that she had wrapped round her fingers. She laughed hysterically as though it would be impossible for me to live in peace or the thought of me been happy made her sick!!!

      After minutes of begging her to leave me alone, while I was lay on the kitchen floor sobbing, by this time my tears were like a waterfall running down my pale cheeks! She said “I am going to make your life a living hell until your dead and I have buried you in your grave” she began to snigger. I then hung up the phone. Those were the last words I heard her say to me that day. I became frozen with fear, I was numb, petrified of what she would do next. The words that she said to me haunted me and they still do today.
 I felt like I was been suffocated, I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t think clearly… I wanted to die there and then. I knew I wouldn’t be able to escape her as she lived round the corner from me. I could run but could not hide. I was trapped. I didn’t know what to do I was alone , no one to defend me , no one to tell me it was going to be ok.
 I just kept repeating the word “TRAPPED” in my head over and over. That was it I wanted out. I was worthless, nothing, a waste of space; nobody would care if I was dead.
 I picked myself up from the ground, dried my cheeks, stood for a couple of seconds and ran to the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard under the stairs is where my mum kept all the medical equipment. I grabbed the box where the tablets were kept. I was impulsive and I empty every tablet that was in the box into my hand and swallowed them in one go; I washed the tablets down with a full bottle of lactulose, over 100 tablets I took that day. I have no idea what I took and nor do I want to know. Whatever I took it was strong enough to almost take my life. Ironically I have a phobia off taking tablets; I have a fear of choking on them. Taking an overdose is the last thing I thought I would have done.
In that moment of impulse, after I had swallowed the tablets, the first person to run through my mind was my mum. I realized I had made a huge mistake. But it was too late……
 My body began to feel weaker and weaker like I was been pulled out of my body. My head was spinning, everything was going blurry. I pulled myself over into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. All I wanted was my mum, I wanted to tell I was sorry and I love her so much. I was terrified; I thought I was going to die.
  My phone was still in my hand from earlier. As I was lay on the couch I rang my mum , my step dad tony , my grandma and my granddad all didn’t answer their phones. I started to panic I didn’t what to do. I was getting cold, I started to cry again, I was alone and I was dying. I honestly don’t have the words to describe how I felt.  I was falling asleep, so I rang one last person. An old friend Freddy  …..
  He answered the phone…. I was trembling while I whispered “ help help please help me” I accidentally cut him off by dropping my phone by the side of me.  A few seconds later my granddad return my phone call . I whispered granddad” please help me, I have taken something please help”. I was passing out and I heard the front door slam open. My step dad (Tony) was home to find me lay on the couch out of my mind. Soon as he open the door he knew something wasn’t right, he rushed over to me and picked my phone up from my hand which my granddad was still on the other end. By this time I had passed out. He asked my granddad what happened and my granddad replied I don’t know I think she’s taken something. He couldn’t understand what I was saying to him.
My step dad rang an ambulance and within minutes they were here.  They managed to wake me up, but I just passed out again.  My mum then came home 5 minutes after the ambulance arrived and was horrified to see what had happened! I woke up in the ambulance to see my mum crying her eyes out. Her eyes were dull and had fear written in them. I did that to her….. I never meant to hurt her.
 I passed out for the 3rd time in the ambulance and this time it was serious … so as I got to the hospital, the nurses rushed me into resuscitation. This was it…… I was either going to die or live. My family waited anxiously, waiting to hear some news.
 I was stable. The nurses had saved my life. It took a while to come round. First person I saw when I opened my eyes was my granddad, he was holding my hand, and I looked up at him his eyes was watering and he bursted into tears. I stared at him in surprise for moment; I had never seen my granddad cry before. He hugged me and then my mum came rushing over to see if I was ok. She held me tight in her arms and I told I was sorry. I broke my mum’s heart that day. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. I thought nobody would care if i wasn’t alive anymore. I was wrong. I never meant to hurt anyone I thought I was a burden. But it turned out, the people I wanted to hurt the least, I hurt the most.
   The nurses kept me in hospital for a few days so I could recover. I had many doctors and counsellors come to talk to me. I was very anxious listening to what they had to say, while offering me advice.  I remember feeling like there was no hope. I had been going to counselling sections since I was 9 years old. I never felt like they helped me. I always felt lost and could not understand why am I the way I am. Why do I only see the world black or white? Good or bad? There isn’t an in-between for me. I don’t understand why and I still don’t.
  While I was in hospital the doctors and counselling advised my mum to phone the police. They told me, they could help stop the bullying and harassment. So when I returned home from the hospital, my mum did. And within a day the 2 police officers came to my house.
    As the 2 officers were sat on the opposite couch facing me and my mum, my heart was racing. I was so scared, I was wary that they wouldn’t be able to do anything. I had felt so alone for a long period of time, that my hope of help was gone. I sat patiently as my mum explained to the officers what had gone on, while I sat in silent like a terrified teenager. Well I was a terrified teenager…….
     As Mia-Jane only lived round the corner for me, it was easy for the police to track her down. They advised me if she made contact with me again, I should record everything.  The next day the police had informed my mum that they had made a visit to Mia-Jane . Of course she denied everything, but the police had given her a warning and said if the bullying or harassment continued there would be consequences for her actions.
   The police suggested I keep notes of times and dates if she contacted me again. Also if she made contact with me through a social network site..e.g Facebook , twitter, Skype, email, to print screen everything and print it off.  So I agreed I would do that.
     Did she make contact with me again? Yes she did.  She made several new accounts to add me on all the social networking site I had an account on. I had already blocked her before, so she continued to make more and more new accounts so she could get to me. She got plenty of her “friends” to do the same. I carried on blocking them. Luckily I had already put my Facebook settings on private, so they could NOT private message me. However my twitter wasn’t. So Mia-jane was able to tweet me. She made several mean comments about my appearance and how I was laughable . I wanted to retaliate and say something back. She wanted a reaction from me ….I was stress, annoyed, angry. But I just ignored her and blocked AGAIN. I had a good cry for 10mintues, then got up and continued with my day. The adding and blocking carried on for months…. After a while it started to become annoying and frustrating rather than it upsetting me. It was like she was a fly that kept following you around and you just wanted to flick it away.
    Am I still scared of her? Hell Yes I am!!! I am petrified of her. I barely come out the house because I am terrified of bumping into her. I know I shouldn’t let anyone make me feel that way, but she made me feel like that. I feel like I should be locked far away in a high tower cut off from society. I don’t deserve to walk around freely, I don’t deserve to have a life nor do I deserve to live. I don’t know what I did wrong but I am sorry for whatever it is.
      2 years later, January 2013 I can finally say she’s stopped. But has she really? She may not harass or bully me anymore. I guess she got bored, but it sadness me that fact that I know that she will be doing it to somebody else and I can’t stop it . I have seen her do it many times. I pray one day she realises what she is doing and she stops it for good.
  Mentally and emotionally, she still bully’s me. She is always there in my mind, eating away at my thoughts, every corner I turned she was there. I wanted to forget everything she said, but I couldn’t. I was still hurting. For months I would cry myself to sleep at night. I definitely struggled to sleep. I would awaken in the early hours from having a nightmare. I tended to get up out of my bed and I would walk to the end of my bedroom. I looked out of my frosted window; it was still pitch black outside. I always slept with the window open and my blinds pulled up, that way I didn’t feel suffocated. I always felt like someone was watching me while I slept. That fear of someone watching me, made me reluctant to sleep.

   My bedroom came an unsafe please for me. I began to sleep in my mum’s room, but I felt like I was disturbing her. So I started sleeping on the couch downstairs. I would leave the television on, with the volume on low, so I didn’t feel alone. I felt more settled.
 For a year ,I lived in fear.. I saw many Doctors and counsellors to help recover.It has taken me over 2 years to recover. I wanted to get better instantly but was get restless and angry at myself for not instantly building my confidence back up. It takes time, But I am stronger , happier , I started to look at the positive things in life and I now know it is ok to ask for help. I am not afraid any more.

                                                      Ava xox