Okay... So It has taken me alot of courage to actually type this, but some how I feel as though I need to let things of my chest. I know It is a completely different kind of post for my blog. But if me typing my story helps at least one person who is also a sufferer of Anorexia Nervosa understand that they are not alone and they don't need to afraid, then my job is done.
Hello my name is Ava and I am a sufferer of Anorexia Nervosa. From a young age I have always had problems with my weight , my body has always been my enemy. As a young child I was always the chubby child amongst my friends. My mum brought myself up to have a healthy balanced diet , which I certainly adapted too. I could not understand why I was the child sat there snacking on a bag of tomatoes and be the chubby child , while the children I was surrounded by was snacking on two packets of crisps and they were skinny minnies!!! I constantly beat myself up about it... It made me feel very unhappy , confused of not understanding why my body was different.
At 12 years old I started to diet constantly , Slim fast , Diet pills , over exercising. I would starve myself for 5 days while I was at school. Then at the weekends I would binge.... I would eat 7 days worth of calories in 2 days , thinking it would make me loose weight. Boy oh boy was I wrong !!! It would make me miserable , frustrated , and it made me gain weight not loose it. I became angry at myself and turned to self harming. This diet routine went on for 5 years until I was 17 years old.
I had been bullied through out my life , however at the age of 15 things became 100 times worse. As a teenager I was still chubby , so it was very easy for a bully to target me for my weight. You expect a bully to be someone who barely knows you at all , in my case the bully looked as though they were my friend to the outside world. Let's name the bully ermmm... Louise , so I don't keep referring to them as the bully. Being Autistic I am easily manipulated by people. Basically if someone told me to stick my hand in a fire , I would do it. I would do it because I have been told to do it ( therefore in my head I instantly feel as though I have to obey authority). Louise had always picked up on the fact I was easily manipulated and she sure used it to her advantage. I don't want to go into too much detail as it still hurts to think about today. Louise... She made me do things I didn't want to do ,she would publicly embarrass me for her own amusement. She was emotionally , verbally , mentally and physically abusive to me. I was petrified of her. She turned all my old friends against me by making up lies about myself. I didn't tell anyone for 2 years what was going on , I was so scared of Louise... I was afraid of what she was going to do to me. I lived 170 metres away from her , she lived literally around the corner from me , there was no escaping from her. She would constantly make remarks about my weight which really hurt me. She knew I had issues with food as I wouldn't eat in public. I was embarrassed to eat, I felt ashamed!!! I felt like I would be a disappointment if I were too eat.
At 17 years old enough was enough!!! I couldn't handle Louise bullying me any more. I had finally broken down to my Mum and told her everything , the bullying , my eating habits. My Mum held me tight while I cried , She told me I could do it , I could stand up to Louise and everything was going to be okay.
I told Louise I wanted nothing more to do with her!!! I thought it was all over... No!!! No it wasn't... She began to harass me , phone calls , social network sites , coming round to my house. I blocked her number , blocked her from social network sites!!! But she always found a way to contact me. She made new accounts to contact me , ringing me and sending messages using other people's phones. I wouldn't reply or pick up the phone.. Then one day I picked up the phone. I begged Louise to stop and leave me alone. She started shouting down the phone " You disgusting fat bitch , I am going to make your life hell until your dead and I have buried you in your grave."
I hung up the phone and fell to the ground crying. I had enough, I was scared and couldn't cope any more. I ran to the medication cupboard and grabbed all the tablets that where there. I went over to the sofa and sat down. I did not want to live any more , I took all the tablets in one go and overdosed. Not long after my step dad came home from work and found me on the sofa and called an ambulance and I was rushed into resuscitation at the hospital. I later woke up on a ward and the nurses at the hospital took care of me till I was well enough to be discharged.
The nurses and Psychiatrists at the hospital suggested to my Mum it would be wise to get the Police involved to stop the bullying. So My mum did and the bullying stopped.
After the overdose , I struggled to cope. The bullying may have stopped , but in my mind the words that where said , began constantly to eat away at me. The voice in my head kept saying " You are fat , you are ugly , you are fat , do not eat." I started to pick at food , and then completely stopped eating all together. I would only drink strawberry water. My weight loss had become noticeable , and the people around me became aware there was a problem. I had gone from weighing 10 and half stone to 7 and half within 5 weeks. My hair started to fall out , I was constantly cold , my hands and feet where blue. My arms where weak ,my bones in my legs and back where hurting . I could barely walk up the stairs. My periods had stopped and I was not able to go to the toilet. I had horrible chest pains , I couldn't breathe properly , My Mum begged me to get help. I refused , I didn't need any help I said!A few days later... I was in so much pain , I eventually gave in and asked my mum to help me. She took me to the hospital , where I laid in a hospital bed been seen by countless Doctors , Nurses and Psychiatrists. I was then referred to the Eating Disorder team and was Diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.
Still Struggling But Still Hoping
I am 21 years old next month and I have been under the Eating Disorder team for 4 years. I wish I could say that in these past 4 years I am starting to get better. Unfortunately I am not... I wish it was that simple , that I had a magic wand and could make it go away. The truth is I am struggling more than ever right now , I hope one day I will beat it. In the past 4 years I turned to laxatives and became addicted to them. There are days when I eat nothing , but I pretend I do so my family won't worry. I still self harm to this day. I feel as though I need to be punished for even thinking about food.
Today I weigh 6 stone 7 pounds , 41kg , 91 pounds. I am a size 6 (UK) in clothing or an age 10 to 11 years in Children's clothes. But when I look in the mirror I see an ugly fat beast. It messes with your head mentally , the scales say one thing but you see another thing in the mirror. I don't understand why I see myself that way , but I do. You feel like you are going crazy like the scales are playing tricks on you or something. You feel like you are monster , that there is something wrong with you.
I hope I finally beat this one day!!!
The Cons Of Being A Sufferer Of Anorexia Nervosa
. Not being able to eat in public because of feeling embarrassed and ashamed of yourself.
. Not being able to go to family meals or going out for meals with friends.
. Constantly calorie counting in foods and drinks.
. Anxiety and panic attacks when people offer you food.
. Feeling a disappointment to everyone around you.
. Constant tummy pains
. Hating yourself
. Looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing a person the size of a whale.
. No confidence
. Unable to have a social life.
. Eating off baby plates and bowls.
. Being House bound 95% of the time.
. Constant fear of food and weight gain.
. Feeling like a waste of space.
. Weighing yourself daily
. Struggling feeling comfortable in an outfit.
. Anxiety attacks
. Not wanting to live
. Feeling like a bad person
Thank you all for reading
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